


Re x Do

by xok



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bad Decisions, Body Horror, Chimera Ant Arc, Dubious Morality, Epic Battles, Introspection, M/M, Nen (Hunter X Hunter), POV Killua Zoldyck, Plot Twists, Rated For Violence, Time Loop, tags update with chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:01:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28759974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xok/pseuds/xok
Summary: What if Gon wasn't the only one who made a nen vow on the night of the palace invasion?
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 33
Kudos: 51





	1. If Only

Killua’s feet couldn’t have carried him any faster if he tried as he sprinted through the thick brush. Gon had gone to fight Pitou alone. The sickening feeling within him made him queasy but he needed to tough it out just until he got there. Gon could be in trouble right now and any moment wasted would be a moment that could have been crucial in the fight. His mind began to race at anything and everything that could be going wrong, countless possibilities swarming around in his mind. Had Pitou kidnapped him? Had Pitou healed then killed Kite? Was Gon actually holding his own against Pitou when Kite failed? Was Kite revived and helping him? 

Nothing would have prepared him for the actual result. 

Killua froze. 

Pitou’s lifeless body lay crumpled up on the ground, the clear loser of a battle well fought. But to call it a battle was one thing, this was a clear  _ massacre.  _ Killua’s eyes slowly focused on the elephant in the clearing, the one thing that made this whole situation feel uneasy and wrong. 

Standing before him was a man. No, to call him that would have been too much. He was clearly  _ grown,  _ from head to toe bulked with muscle upon muscle, but Killua knew deep down that this was more than that. Those clothes, that posture, the hair….

“Gon,” Killua croaked out. He felt his breath leave his mouth, lungs expecting a breath in yet not receiving one. “Is that you?” 

He didn’t want to believe it, he didn’t want to look at it, but as the figure turned around there was no mistaking that those amber eyes belonged to Gon. He couldn’t look away no matter how hard he willed himself to. 

Scared. 

Gon looked scared. 

Killua tensed up. What had Gon  _ done _ to himself? How had he ended up like this? 

Was it a transformation like Bisky? No, Bisky’s appearance was a lot different, she was using hers to mask her power, but judging from the sheer amount of aura Gon was emitting, this was something completely different. Where was it coming from? Why did it feel so desperate? Was it an effect of Pitou’s nen? Likely not, he had spotted Pitou’s dead lifeless body against the tree trunk covered in a oozing blue blood. But then it hit him. Killua’s bottom lip quivered as he suddenly realized what was going on. Gon had made a nen vow. 

“Killua…”

But what kind of vow would let him do this? Killua’s eyes widened as his mind raced with possibilities. In order for Gon to obtain more aura he would have needed to trade something in, yet there wasn’t anything he possessed that would give him that much power. Unless…. Had he traded with his future self? How many years of nonstop training would it take to bring him to his current position? Ten? Fifteen? Twenty? More than that? Was it a lifetime of every moment spent training? Killua grimaced as he looked at his dear friend, a streamline of tears running down each cheek. 

And what the fuck did he have to be sorry for? What  _ was _ this? Killua had no idea what this was, and it was scaring him. Just what had Gon traded to obtain this form? Did he have nothing left? Had he given everything up just for one battle? Was this really worth it? Was this all for Kite? 

Too focused on Gon until it was too late, Killua noticed a rustling behind him. Had Gon not fully decimated Pitou? He saw the body on the way over here, Pitou was desecrated. But he didn’t have time to think about that right now. Gon was in danger, and he could stop it.

Killua lept forward. 

It was a hasty move; but right now all he needed was to make sure Gon was okay. Stupid, if he hadn’t been here to distract him Gon would have been paying attention to the rest of the fight. Gon wouldn’t be getting attacked from behind right now. He needed to protect him. He was Gon, he was his friend, he was his  _ everything, _ and nothing, not even Pitou could take that away from him if he could help it. 

Killua felt his hands collide with unfamiliar muscles and immediately felt out of his element. This was Gon, there was no doubt about that, but the foreignness of it all was unsettling. But he would protect him nonetheless. He had to. 

The sharp claws claimed his arm, stealing it clean off as Killua held on tightly to Gon. The two of them looked over in horror as the arm fell to the ground. Killua’s hands started to shake, but he gripped his palms tightly. This was not the time for nerves. 

“It’s okay.” 

Killua looked over at Gon, watching in horror as spurts of scarlet blood peppered out of the wound. This was not okay. This was  _ definitely not okay.  _ How could Gon think this was okay? How was this possible? 

“It doesn’t hurt”

He was saying it for someone’s behalf, but for who? Was it a promise to Killua that he knew what he was doing? Or was he trying to convince himself that he wasn’t hurting anymore, that he could finish what he’d started. Killua felt a lump form in his throat. Or was it some sort of fucked up mental promise to Kite. 

“I’m not trying to be tough”

“I’m kind of happy…. I finally get to be the same as Kite was then”

No, no, no,  _ no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO,  _ **_NO, NO, NO._ **

“I feel like I’ve been redeemed some”

Gon thrust his severed arm into Pitou’s decapitated body, pinning them to the ground. Their arms and legs twitched as Gon stood back up. But his expression was all Killua needed to see to know that this wasn’t over. The worst was yet to come. 

“First comes rock”

Gon. Killua wanted to shout but he felt frozen in that instance, helpless, unable to do anything. Stupid body, he needed to move, he needed to shout, he needed to do  _ something _ otherwise he wouldn’t be able to stop Gon from throwing away what little left he had. He needed to stop, who knew what would happen if he kept using that power? Would he even make it out of the battle alive? Could he? Was that even possible at this rate?

“Rock”

No.

“Paper”

NO!

“Gon!” 

It was a scream like no other Killua had done before, filled with every emotion he had been brewing during the confrontation. His throat was sore; his breaths were shallow; his heart was beating fast enough to burst out of his chest but he felt nothing but numbness the second he saw Gon, slowly turn around, with a look on his face so terrified that it scared Killua himself. 

Then, an explosion. 

Killua shielded his face, desperately not wanting to look away but his arms moved faster than he could force them down, wind at speeds he never thought he’d encounter pummeling into his forearms and chest over and over again, thrusting him out of the way as if to tell him that he didn’t belong here, that he wasn’t supposed to be here, that this wasn’t  _ for  _ him. And maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Gon didn’t want him here. Maybe Gon just wanted to throw his entire life away in a fit of rage so explosive that it took out half the forest with him. 

But that was Gon’s problem. 

He didn’t know when to give it up. 

He was always like that; from the moment Killua knew him, Gon’s determination was his strength and his downfall. The lengths he would go to prove a point proved that he had little regard for his own wellbeing to the point that this shouldn’t have been as surprising as it was to him, it just fit in with everything he knew beforehand. Gon was stubborn. He was ambitious. But caring for someone who didn’t care for themself was the hardest thing Killua had done in his life. 

The dust began to settle; Killua rushed forwards, searching for what he knew to be Gon’s body. The possibility of Gon emerging victorious from that explosion were slim to none and Killua didn’t dare break his heart by even assuming that would be the case, he didn’t deserve to do that to himself, not after that happened. 

Everything had been going so smoothly in the invasion, everything had boiled down to this one moment, before everything had just turned to  _ shit _ and now nothing was going to be the same. His heart ached, it yearned for something much more than this, this  _ couldn’t _ be the end of Gon, he couldn’t have  _ failed _ this badly. Killua could only imagine what had driven him to this, yet 

All that mattered right now was Gon. Killua brushed some of the hair out of his face, looking down at Gon’s wilted lifeless body. He looked so small and fragile compared to how he was earlier, as if every living force had been sucked dry right out of him. Killua cradled his body close to his chest.

Gon. 

_ Gon. _

He felt like his psyche was trying to tear him apart. Even now, with Gon’s broken body pressed tightly against him, he couldn’t accept his friend’s fate. There was nothing about this that felt right, that felt natural, that felt like it should have come to this conclusion. And if he could do it all again, he would. He’d try to stop him, he’d protect him from Pitou, he’d do everything in his power to make sure that Gon wouldn’t have to go through the pain he went through now, because no one deserves to go through the shit and the feelings that Gon had.

“Gon,” sobbed Killua, hoisting himself up over his shoulder. He needed to get him to a hospital. Part of him didn’t want to accept that hospitals were for living people but he didn’t need to worry about that now. Nothing made sense to him. Killua felt the leaves and twigs pull on his clothes and skin as he rushed through the forest, not caring about any obstacle in his path. Every step he took felt heavier and heavier, weighted down by not just Gon but his own conscience. 

Killua ran faster, and faster, feet pounding against the ground as the electricity started to crackle around him. Did he even have enough charge left to help boost him to the hospital? The thought crossed his mind briefly and just as suddenly it was gone. This was no time for rational thoughts. Nothing about what happened was rational. 

If only he could save him. If only there was a way to have prevented this from happening. If only he wasn’t useless. If only he wasn’t too late. If only he had just been there for him, if only he understood what was happening and talked him out of it. If only he could do something, anything, anything at all differently that could help. If only, if only, if only  _ if only if only if only- _

He would do it. Whatever it took. 

The world around him began to blur, all the dark hues from the forest, the soft light from the moon, the bright crackles of electricity surrounding him. Like a patchwork that was taken apart and resewn together, the world felt like it was changing. His footsteps were lighter. The weight on his shoulder from carrying Gon began to lessen until it felt like it was pulling upwards on him closer to the ever consistent beam of moonlight above him. Pulling, and pulling, and prompting him to let go, not seeming to realize that Killua would  _ never _ let go of Gon, he couldn’t. 

And suddenly he was slowing down, like the air around him had suddenly become a thick molasses that he was swimming through standing up. The weightlessness was gone. The world around him was nothing more than a jumble of images that probably made up some sort of picture if he were to slow down and piece together what it all meant but none of that was important right now. There was only one thing that was important right now. 

Everything went black. 

Had he passed out? What was going to happen to Gon? Would anyone even find his body? Was Palm still watching? Would Palm  _ hate _ him even more for everything that happened to Gon? No, forget Palm, what about  _ everyone else. _ Had they even survived the final battles? Did they win? Were Chimera Ants going to run the world now? Everything could have turned to  _ shit, _ maybe they could have used his help back there, Gon  _ clearly defeated Pitou on his own. _

Killua felt an overwhelming dizziness wash over him. Wait. Dizziness. That was a feeling. A sensation of sorts. He wasn’t dead, just….

“Killua?”

_ Gon. _

Killua opened his eyes quicker than he ever had before, whole body turning to face the direction his friend’s voice came from. 

Gon was okay. He was here, present in the room. His hair was short, his limbs were attached, and most of all, he had a determined look on his face. It was a familiar sight. Killua rubbed his eyes. He looked down at his hands. It didn’t take long to realize he was at full charge. Killua looked around the room of Knov’s apartment. Everyone was in their positions from beforehand. Oh no. A realization dawned on him. Everything was directly in place at the beginning of the palace invasion, as if it never happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapter of the fic. I'm excited for this one, it's certainly going to be a ride. Let me know your thoughts!


	2. Surefire Trip to Hell

The nausea of it all hit him first. It was an acute dizziness, one akin to the whiplash gotten from slamming on the brakes to an immediate stop. His head was pounding. Killua rubbed his temples with his palms. Damn, was all that assassin training really worth anything if he couldn’t handle a little headache?

“Killua? Are you doing okay?” asked Ikalgo. Killua snapped his head around to see the octopus looking at him with a confused, yet concerned expression. That’s right; it wasn’t just Gon here, everyone else was back in the room as well. Knov, Morel, Knuckle, Shoot, Meleoron, and  _ Gon. _

“It’s just nerves,” said Killua, the lie leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. How would he even explain this? Had the past hour just been a hallucination from the get go? Was it some sort of nen ability he wasn’t paying attention to? Killua chewed on his bottom lip as he looked over at Gon again. But everything felt a bit…. Wrong. What he was feeling, was wrong. Gon was alive, yet the churning pit in his stomach was telling him that everything about this situation was uncomfortable and painful. 

Had he gotten a flash of the future? Nevermind that, what was he even supposed to say to Gon? 

“Gon…” said Killua. 

Gon looked at him with his bright golden eyes and Killua flinched. This wasn’t the expression he had last seen, his eyes were still full of life and hope here. It only made him feel worse about what he had witnessed and the path he’d seen Gon go down. If he was doing the palace invasion again, he could change that fate. For sure, he had to. 

“Yeah?” asked Gon, oblivious. 

“Are you ready?” asked Killua. It was intended for Gon, but he couldn’t help thinking to himself, was he ready? Going back into the palace for a second time when everything was so stressful the first time wasn’t going to be easy. But it had to be done. 

“I’m ready,” reassured Gon. Killua nodded. That’s right, he wasn’t alone in this; he still had Gon here with him. 

In a blink of an eye the palace invasion had begun, Dragon Dive raining from the sky above onto the palace. The tremors shook the entire building, parts of the roof cascading down onto the floor. Killua noticed the same statue as last time breaking apart and crumbling as Dragon Dive hit it. Did that mean Dragon Dive dropped exactly the same way? He made a mental note of that. 

It was the same as last time, Killua ran step after step in perfect succession, this time barely flinching when Gon’s trajectory changed to go towards Youpi. It made sense, he was worried that if Knuckle and Meleoron got punched while using God’s Plan, no one would know and he would have to fight Youpi on his own, despite his target being Pitou. Killua’s eyes widened as he realized that if Gon was this willing to take on other jobs, there could potentially be a way to draw him away from a confrontation with Pitou to begin with. But how to do that?

Morel’s smoke plumed out, covering the area in a blanket of cover, just what they needed to obstruct Youpi’s vision of them. Now was their chance to break away from the area. Killua ran next to Gon with Ikalgo trailing behind as they made their way down the hallway. 

What excuse could he make for Gon to not fight Pitou? He knew where Palm was being held, but that was already Ikalgo’s job to take care of. As the two of them ran down the hallway, Killua was deep in thought. Changing Gon’s path was going to be a lot harder than he expected. Of course, there was always the option of tackling him into a side room and keeping him there, but Gon was beneficial to keeping Pitou in the room with Komugi for at least an hour. Who knew how truthful Pitou was about the hour time estimate to heal Komugi’s most critical wounds, it could have been an elaborate ploy and without the bargain they could have been wreaking havoc around the compound. But if Pitou was telling the truth, then was Gon’s importance in the room all that necessary? If he did just take him out of the equation, would everything turn out the same? 

For starters, Gon was the one who defeated Pitou. He would still have to deal with that if Gon wasn’t there. Kite with only one arm was still stronger than him and Gon combined but he couldn’t defeat Pitou, was there any conceivable way he could do it by himself? That was before the training he went through, and before he’d worked a bit more with his nen. He’d have to think it through, but keeping Gon with him might be his best bet. 

Suddenly, he felt a chilling feel go down his back. Something was very wrong. 

Killua spun around, three chimera ants hot on his trail. 

In the chaos, he had forgotten a crucial thing: the two chimera ants at the end of the hall that spotted Ikalgo the first time around. This was bad. If they were here, and with a  _ third, _ what did that mean for Ikalgo? 

Gon had stopped dead in his tracks, eyes fixated on the third floor where Morel’s smokey jail was exuding out of the windows. His puzzled gaze must have meant he came to the same conclusion that Killua did; if Morel was fighting Shaiapouf there, then Pitou must be elsewhere. Killua glanced over quickly at the building where he knew Pitou and Komugi had taken shelter. 

“Gon, we have issues,” snapped Killua, grabbing onto Gon’s wrist to help him turn around. If he could distract Gon from seeing anything that was happening there, perhaps he could keep him from going there so hastily. 

“Where’s Ikalgo?” asked Gon, readying himself into a battle stance to fight the first chimera ant approaching him. 

“I’ll check after we get rid of these three,” said Killua. They could have attacked Ikalgo, but Gon already knew that and mentioning it would only serve to stress them out. 

Gon took a punch to the chest and Killua diverted his attention for a second only for the most powerful of the three chimera ants to tap him on the arm. 

“Tag, you’re it,” said the annoying looking cheetah chimera ant Killua recognized as Cheetu. 

The scenery began to change around him, almost reminiscent of the mechanisms behind transporting to Greed Island. It wasn’t night anymore; there was a blue sky with a few clouds, and what looked like an endless plain around him, complete with a short breeze that ruffled the grass. A few paces away from him was a large hourglass. In a different time he may have called the imagery “relaxing” but right now it was anything but that.

“Where are we?” asked Killua. He didn’t expect to get a straightforward answer but he might as well give it a shot. 

“Oh man, I can’t believe it works,” said Cheetu, running in place playfully. “We’re inside a nen space.” Killua rolled his eyes. Cheetu was certainly a sight to see. With his gaudy fur coat that left his chest and abs exposed in an odd fashion to those ugly jean booty shorts, Killua could barely take him seriously. But that was just the thing: how powerful was he exactly? Despite his stupid appearance, he managed to catch him off guard and transport him here, so he had at least  _ some _ competence. 

“I can tell that much at least,” he said sarcastically. But what kind of ability would allow him to transport into a room like this? Was it manipulation? Had his mind been manipulated into assuming that they were somewhere else instead of at the palace? Killua bent down to brush his hand on the soft grass. If this was an illusion of sorts, it was very realistic, almost conjuration level. Knov had conjured rooms before, so creating this type of place could be a conjuration ability, but only if it had bounds. He couldn’t discount the possibility of a specialist ability, those were always wildcards.

If Cheetu was a manipulator with illusions, this was likely the full extent of his ability and it meant he could be susceptible to attacks that existed from the outside world. Whereas if this was a conjured ability similar to Knov’s room, that meant the “room” itself was likely not hostile and Cheetu himself could still fight. He couldn’t let his guard down just yet until he figured out which one of the two it was. Killua backed up. As far as he could see, it looked as if the place they were trapped in extended further than he could see. He sighed. This was going to be an issue. 

“You seem awfully worked up,” said Cheetu, taking a step closer to close the distance. “But relax, you haven’t even heard the terms yet.” 

“How kind of you to notice,” said Killua under his breath. Then, the second statement hit him. “Terms?” What was he alluding to?

“The terms for how to get out of the room,” explained Cheetu nonchalantly. “I’m itching to play a game of tag. Lay one hand on me and I’ll let you out of the room, but if you can’t, well, let’s just say you don’t want to know what happens.” 

“Hypothetically, let’s say I  _ did _ want to know what happens,” pushed Killua, looking at the timer next to Cheetu. Judging by the size and speed the sand was falling through, it looked like he had at least five hours before it would run out. Cheetu’s cheerful expression faltered for a second. The corner of his mouth turned up slightly in annoyance.

“What do you mean.”

“I mean, why do I have to catch you? What happens when the timer runs out,” said Killua, taking a few steps closer to the timer. Cheetu’s eyes widened as he took a few steps backwards as well. Did he sense fear in him? Killua’s smirk was short lived, he couldn’t give away too much of his plan. “How long will the sand fall for anyways.”  
“Eight hours,” said Cheetu selectively answering the easiest of the questions. “That should be ample time to try to catch me, now come on!” Cheetu took a few more steps away from Killua and prompted him to follow suit. 

Was it eight hours in Cheetu’s room, or eight hours in real world time? If he stalled here, was he putting Gon at risk? Judging by what Morel and Knuckle had told him about Cheetu before, he could waste a bit of his stored electricity to give himself a boost to maybe catch up with him, but who knew what kind of stat boosts Cheetu had given himself in the room. Maybe it would be better to lure him into a false sense of security and then whip out one of his assassin tricks. 

Killua did neither, and swung a fist, knuckles sending a spiderweb crack through the glass of the hourglass. 

“The game ends when the timer runs out, right?” asked Killua, turning his hand away from Cheetu so he couldn’t see the redness on his hand. He needed to play this strong to intimidate him otherwise Cheetu would call his bluff. 

“Wait, you can’t do that-”

“Oh really? I can’t? I guess that means I have to try again,” joked Killua as he prepared another punch. Cheetu froze in place for a second before bolting towards the hourglass. 

This was exactly what Killua had been waiting for. In a panic, Cheetu had come close enough to the hourglass that Killua swung himself around, fingertips barely missing the cheetah chimera ant. He regained his balance before launching himself at him again. 

Forcing all the sand to run out would likely force the end of Cheetu winning, but judging by his reactions, it was clear that he didn’t know what the outcome would be. Killua would honestly rather not find out. He had more pressing matters to attend to, and the longer Cheetu kept him away from being with Gon the worse the timeline would be without him. Killua’s mind started to race with all the possibilities for where Gon could be right then. Did he run into the King? Did he try to fight Pitou by himself? Killua’s chest tightened as he considered another possibility. Had he been responsible for Komugi’s death?

Komugi was an unknown variable; she wasn’t expected to be there, and was just a civilian. Though she could use nen, judging by her physique and hands she wasn’t a fighting type at all. She wasn’t supposed to get wrapped up in this mess, and to think that Gon may have prevented her from being healed made Killua feel a bit uncomfortable. Which was frustrating; how many people had he killed before because of jobs or because they felt disposable? What was it about Komugi specifically that gave him a bad feeling? Why couldn’t he just turn these feelings off and be apathetic towards things? 

Killua jumped time and time again, fingers barely missing Cheetu as he reached out for him. Whatever was happening outside, Gon needed him, and he couldn’t help him from in here. He was going to have to use his nen ability. How had he done that again? Killua felt the electricity charge up around him as he increased the conductive property of his nen. Whirlwind allowed him to make his movements automatic, while the Speed of Lightning allowed him to retain control of his body. Combining the two had led to his ability  _ Godspeed _ that he had devised in the fight against Youpi last time he did the palace invasion. If he could balance it out right, he could definitely do it again. 

Killua felt the electricity crackle around him as he lurched forwards faster than he had before, fingers brushing briefly against Cheetu before both his feet planted back on the ground, last sparks of electricity dissipating before he completely powered down. 

“Sorry, but my friend needs me out there. Too bad we couldn’t figure out what happened when the timer ran out,” said Killua as the walls began to fade around him. But as he came back to the palace, his anxiety about the situation hit him again in the gut. The bodies of the other two Chimera ants were in their places on the ground, and Gon was nowhere to be seen. Morel’s Smokey Jail was gone from the third layer of the tower as well, meaning that his fight with Pouf was over. 

But where was Gon? Had he gone along to fight Pitou. Killua took two steps between the Chimera ants before the elephant in the room almost trampled him over. 

Ikalgo. 

Not only had he forgotten to kill these two Chimera ants when he ran past them, that meant that Ikalgo had to deal with them. If the two of them were here, then where was Ikalgo? Had he made it? The two of them killing Ikalgo would be on his shoulders, he should have remembered to take care of them when he had the chance. Killua felt his stomach twist itself into a knot. Of course he was doing this all for Gon, but was it really that right to trade Gon for Ikalgo? 

“Up for round two?” asked Cheetu. Killua snapped his neck around and glared at him with such a fervor that Cheetu’s hair stood on end. 

“No.”

“Jeeze, it’s not like I can anyways, it was a one time ability,” said Cheetu nonchalantly. Killua’s eye twitched. If he were trying to stall, it was certainly working. 

“That’s dumb, but it’s not like I expected much,” spat Killua before leaving a dumbfounded Cheetu in the middle of the hallway. 

Killua had no idea how long he was in the conjured room with Cheetu. But right now, a quick detour to check if Ikalgo was okay was the only thing Killua could think to do to quell the guilt that was building up inside him. Ikalgo was his friend. He didn’t know him as long as Gon, and quite frankly, he didn’t know why he was so attached and frustrated about this, but the thought of his death on his shoulders drove Killua to run down that hallway looking for any remnant of him that he could use to discern if he was dead. 

Maybe everything was okay, and the three of them had just run after Killua because they spotted him in general. Maybe Ikalgo had blended in well enough and was on his way to do his job. That seemed possible. But getting a confirmation he wasn’t dead in the hallway would at least put his mind at rest. 

And then he saw it. He wished he hadn’t. 

Blue blood littered the hallway, painting it in splotches and splatters. Bits and pieces of what Killua could only assume was Flutter’s body were plastered onto the wall. 

And then he saw the tentacles. 

“Ikalgo.”

Killua’s knees hit the floor as he cradled one of the red arms in his hands. The muscles contracted slightly giving Killua the false hope that he was still alive before remembering that it was just a collection of electric pulses left over. This was beyond wrong. 

“Maybe next time you’ll get to be a squid,” said Killua, setting the tentacle down on the ground. “Or maybe a human. But in this life, you were my friend.” 

What was wrong with him?

He was standing up, but his legs were shaking uncontrollably, knees clicking together. Why wouldn’t he move? Why couldn’t he move? Ikalgo was dead; he knew this. He was gone, he wasn’t coming back. And it was all his fault for not killing those two chimera ants ahead of time when he did last time, and for spending so much time with Cheetu inside of his stupid game, and now his negligence had led to Ikalgo’s death and he still didn’t even know where Gon was so it was all for nothing and… and… and…

Killua wiped the tears from his eyes. No, he couldn’t be doing this now. He was wasting precious time, time that could be used to right his wrongs from before. But was this righting anything so far? Or was this worse. The reality hit him. If things proceeded like before without him here, not only would Ikalgo be dead, but Gon would go to give everything up to fight Pitou anyways, and he’d be down not one but two friends. This was finally enough to get his legs moving as Killua ran through the palace halls. He couldn’t give up now otherwise Ikalgo’s death would be for nothing. 

He didn’t know how long he spent in Cheetu’s lair, but it was enough time for Gon to completely disappear. With his luck, he was already headed to Peijin to heal Kite. If he left now, he could probably make it on time. 

Killua burst out the door and started running through the darkness. 

His legs carried him there as if they knew the way by heart. How long had it been since he last ran here? His mind began to run wild with possibilities for how the confrontation with Pitou could have gone. Why hadn’t Pitou healed Kite the first time? Maybe if he was there, he could force Pitou to do it. Gon could have cracked under the pressure, but if Killua was there too, they could convince them together. 

There was a strange aura as Killua approached the Peijin castle. He crept in quietly, preparing himself mentally for anything he may find inside. 

He saw the silhouette before Kite himself, looming over the floor in the dim light as if it were claiming it for the darkness itself. His eyes confirmed his worst fears. The first time Killua saw Kite’s patchwork body his mind was more focused on Gon’s reaction. The poor boy had run up and grabbed onto Kite tightly, desperately clinging on to the idea that somehow, Kite was still in there, waiting to be saved. His determination hadn’t faltered, not because of the beatings Kite was giving him, or the general unresponsiveness, or the pleas from everyone else to give it a rest. He cared about Kite, deeply so, and wasn’t ready to let him go.

But what Gon didn’t know is that Killua cared for him too. Kite was the first real hunter they had met. He was a strange sort of guy, the type who clearly knew he was capable of doing whatever he wanted but didn’t care if other people thought he was a hotshot or not. He wasn’t a hunter for the fame, or the glory, no, he was a hunter because it was what he loved doing. He had a passion for being out there in the wilderness doing his surveys. He had a passion for leading his team. He had a passion for teaching him and Gon how to get stronger. 

And what did Killua have? What was he passionate about? Why was he training to be a hunter? Kite’s drive got him thinking about that. Maybe one day he would have something he was passionate about. Maybe he could be like Kite. 

But not this Kite. 

Killua clamped his hand over his mouth as Kite twitched. Whatever Pitou had done to him, it looked incredibly painful. The scars stretching across his body were downright nasty, right down to the stitches that put his severed limbs and head back together. His one eye bulged out of the socket, hastily put in but desperately trying to escape as if it wanted to be free from the neverending nightmare Pitou had trapped him in. This was unnatural. It was wrong. Looking into those eyes, he didn’t see Kite; he wasn’t there. It was no more than a hollow husk of the man who was once Kite. 

It was then, Killua realized he wasn’t coming back. 

And he cried. 

There was a naïve part of him that coopted Gon’s optimism that Pitou could fix Kite. But if Pitou could do that, where were they now? Why hadn’t they fixed him? How could Gon, the person dead set on believing that Kite could be fixed in the first place,  _ not _ convince Pitou to fix him? How could he fuck that up? He had one job, he had one-

Killua wiped his tears off with his sleeves. He took a deep breath, but it was the first of many. He had screwed around with the timeline, there was a possibility that Gon and Pitou hadn’t even made it out here yet. But a realization dawned on him. 

He left without taking another look at Kite. It felt wrong to leave without saying goodbye, but this was too much for him to see the man like that. Killua’s feet slammed against the pavement as he burst out of the room and into the night. It was much like before, running through the forest as fast as he could, except this time he had an exact destination he was running towards. 

The clearing could not have been more empty. Flashes of the scene from before forced their way into Killua’s mind as he caught his breath, looking for any of the damages that were caused before, like Pitou’s blue ant blood splattered across the bushes, or breaks in the trees. But there was nothing; it was a peaceful scene left untouched by human hands. It felt unnatural, the stillness of it all. It was a sterile feeling leaving him deeply unfulfilled.

Killua paced his steps around the clearing, mapping out the image in his mind in three dimensions as he walked into position. Could he have gotten the timing wrong? Would they eventually come here? But the more he thought to himself, the deeper the dread grew within him. Something was clearly wrong and it scared him not to know what it was.

Fearing something unknown always posed its unique challenges, most of them happening once the truth becomes something a lot harder to bear. He couldn’t prepare himself if he didn’t know where to start, what he was going to be dealing with, and what could possibly await him. 

And what awaited him was a surefire trip to hell, a colossal beating right to the gut, no punches pulled. 

Surely if he retraced his steps backwards he would run into the two of them on the way. Maybe they had gotten delayed, or maybe he had the timing wrong. The closer Killua got to the palace, the more he realized that there was a chance that Pitou and Gon weren’t just late, they had never headed this way at all. He glanced over at the area where he had met up with the others to hold Komugi as a hostage, but there was no one there.This timeline was changed too far for him to predict any events.

No person, no matter how boring or seemingly overlooked was inconsequential. He must have fucked something up that led to the two of them not making it to the clearing. Something crucial had changed, but as he thought over his actions, Killua couldn’t quite place his finger on it. In a twisted sense it felt a bit comforting to know that his existence  _ mattered.  _ Not that he ever thought it didn’t, but both his presence and absence having the ability to change things was almost touching to him. 

And then he saw a hand. Attached to an arm, for specifics, but said arm was  _ not _ attached to the rest of a body so that was the most important part to note. Killua didn’t have to think twice to know whose arm that was.

Move, he had to keep going, he had to check the room where he’d left Gon, Pitou, Komugi, and Pouf during the original timeline. But his legs had refused to move, halted in place as his eyes were fixated on Knuckle’s detached arm and the distinct lack of Knuckle himself. What was there to process? In his failure to get his  _ fucking shit together _ he wasn’t there for Knuckle and Shoot when they needed him. Killua felt the anger rise up inside him. He really dropped the ball there, didn’t he. If he hadn’t panicked so much and just stuck to the plan, the two of them wouldn’t have died. Or would they?

Killua let his muscles relax a bit, untensed and unwinded. Were they even dead? Unless he checked, he couldn’t know for sure. The Schrödinger’s dilemma of all dilemmas. As long as he didn’t have proof, they were alive, in his mind. They didn’t need a  _ kid _ to save them, they could save themselves, come up with a new plan for stalling Youpi. They were hunters, and had trained more than he and Gon had, they were surely capable of something. 

His strained optimism died as soon as it was birthed and the weighty reality of the situation crashed down on him. He left them to die. Original Killua was there to stun Youpi. But he wasn’t there now. And he couldn’t be. 

How much blood would he have on his hands just to save Gon? He’d killed people before in the past, but that felt different. Those were jobs. People  _ paid _ to have other people killed. Someone wanted them dead. But the only person that wanted his squad dead were the very people he was fighting against. A life is a life but it felt more wrong to be a life he knew, as some sort of selfish desire of his to cherish certain lives over others. But that’s exactly what he was doing with Gon, wasn’t it? His life was worth more than anyone else’s he may be sacrificing. The truth of the matter was that unless he told them, they would never know. If he and Gon lived through this night, no one would ever know the outcomes of any other path. It would be his secret to take to the grave, one that would never, ever let loose. 

And up the stairs he went. His thighs burned with every step, but the pain made him feel more real like this was actually happening. It was the little things that grounded him to reality and kept him focused before he would lapse into a state of catatonia thinking about any of the events he witnessed and how to process it. 

This was for Knuckle; this was for Shoot; this was for Ikalgo; this was for Kite, and most of all it was for Gon. But the selfish reality of it all was that this was for him, Killua. It was his fault he was in this mess to begin with.

Killua entered the room, half expecting to see Pitou there fixing Komugi but they were gone. His eyes scanned the room before landing on the one thing he didn’t want to see. 

Gon looked smaller than he ever had before, lifeless body crumpled up against the wall.

“Gon!” shouted Killua, vision tunneling in on Gon. Everything inside him was screaming to pull him back, but Gon was there in front of him. And oh, did he wish he wasn’t. He took Gon’s hand in his, before immediately pressing his fingers to Gon’s pulse to check for something, anything. “Gon… Gon….” His voice cracked into a million pieces as he cradled the body close to his chest. He traced his fingertips along Gon’s broken battered arm. He didn’t go out without a fight. He stuck with it until the end. 

The walls around him began to blur. Killua grabbed onto Gon tighter. He needed him here. He needed to be with Gon, and now he was disappearing from his grasp. 

He screamed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah.... a fuckton of people die in this one.... but at least it resets :) right?? RIGHT????


	3. Guillotine

Killua opened his eyes to an all too familiar dizziness. It was the same sight before him, here again. To call it welcoming would be mixing up the nuance in it; he’d failed at his task, and woken up yet again in the same situation as before. 

His eyes widened as he saw the rest of the group, perfectly fine. Limbs were attached, bodies were whole, and no one was bruised. It was just as it had been before. Killua squirmed a bit in his seat. They’d never know that he screwed up their fates and intended to keep it that way. 

But he couldn’t deny that there was the tiniest bit of relief within him, growing by the minute, that he at least  _ had _ another chance to fix this disaster, especially after he had screwed it up so horrendously. But how to do that? Clearly whatever he did last time didn’t work. 

Killua knew a few new things now, things he had overlooked on his first round. He had information, and lots of it. Left untouched, events tended to go the same way they went before. Dragon Dive would hit at the exact same places, and as long as he kept everything the exact same way, it would progress in linear order like it had before.

But exactly the same wasn’t good enough. Exactly the same was what let Gon die the first time. He needed to use a different strategy, think outside the box a little bit. Killua looked over at Gon, who was deep in thought, eyes a stone cold as he looked off towards one of the walls. He needed to keep Gon away from Pitou. But how would he stop Gon from going into the room? It was their job to go after Pitou. Unless...

“I know where Palm is,” blurted out Killua. Everyone turned around to face him. Of course they would, he had suggested something completely outlandish. Killua felt his heart rate start to increase. Whether it was from nerves that he’d have to do the palace invasion for a third time, or because of everyone’s eyes drilling into him didn’t matter. He just needed to calm himself down, and make sure he didn’t get overwhelmed. He took a deep breath. He could do this. 

“What do you mean, you know where Palm is?” 

Killua half expected people not to take him seriously, but the concern with which Morel posed the question had him relieved. If even  _ one _ person here was going to make his life easier, he would take it. He and Gon were certainly members of the invasion, they had their own roles, their own responsibility. But sometimes, Killua felt like the others saw them more as just kids getting in the way of things. Netero certainly didn’t think so, and that’s the part that mattered, but he couldn’t change everyone’s sentiment no matter how hard he tried.

“So you felt it too, that giant spike of aura,” said Killua. Lying right out of his ass wasn’t  _ really _ the strategy he wanted to use for this, but there was no way he could explain the situation in time in a way where everyone wouldn’t assume he’d lost his marbles. There was already the unexplained aura surge because of this ability, he might as well work with what he had. It could be more convincing that way, killing 2 birds with one stone. “It was some sort of message from Palm-”

“Palm doesn’t have an ability like that, it would have been impossible to get a message of any sorts,” said Knov. Knov. Of course, it had to be Knov ruining his plans. Killua narrowed his eyes at him. Since when did Knov even know or care anything for Palm? The poor woman was enamored with him and he just let it play out for his benefits. Killua clicked his tongue disrespectfully. 

“It’s difficult to explain but….” 

Killua’s voice trailed off as Knov looked at him, lips still pressed into a disbelieving line. Killua resisted a sneer and looked away from him. 

“....But what she told me is that she was captured and turned into a Chimera Ant, I know what room and floor they’re holding her in,” said Killua, cringing with the amount of information he’d just info dumped. Sometimes less was more.

Shit, he only had a few minutes before the palace invasion would start, opposition from Knov was the last thing he needed. 

“And you’re sure that was from Palm?” asked Morel. 

“Morel, please, I really trust the message,” said Killua, adding a slight crack to his voice. Should he cry on command? No, that was totally lame, and probably overdoing it. He needed to keep his nerves down too, especially after what happened last time. 

“I don’t know any ants that have that sort of ability,” said Meleoron. Ikalgo shrugged. Killua let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“Alright, then Ikalgo, looks like you’re going after P-”

No. It had to be him and Gon. That was the whole point of it. The Palm excuse was merely a means to a different end. Killua felt his stomach churn as he thought about it. Palm was  _ horrible _ to him when they were training. Her creepy obsession with Gon sickened him, not to mention all the little drawings she made of him before cutting them up. What a fucking weirdo. But he couldn’t ignore the conversation he had with her. She changed, in Chimera Ant form. The bits and pieces of the conversation in particular evaded his memory, but he knew it meant something, that there was something they discussed that got a huge emotional rise out of him. It left him feeling a bit fonder. But he could think about that later, right now he needed to get his plan into action.

“I don’t think we should send Ikalgo after her,” Killua snapped. Again, everyone’s attention turned to him. “Why would she trust a random Chimera Ant she just met, especially after what happened to her? She should group up with someone she knows.”

“Well, from what I understood, she had certain… issues… with you,” added Shoot. Killua gritted his teeth together. Of course everyone would remember that. Quick, he needed to think of something he could use here. He could suggest someone else go with Gon, but that would take way too many people out of place and prevent him from anticipating certain actions in the future. 

Wait, he was overthinking it. He just needed to be adamant of going with Gon. The two of them were inseparable, or... everyone at least thought they were, it shouldn’t be too out of character for him. 

But were they really? Killua found his gaze fixated on Gon again as he mulled over the intricacies of their relationship. He was travelling  _ with _ Gon, but if he wanted to go off and do something, would Gon accompany him? Or were they just together because he kept tagging along? 

No. He couldn’t let himself get sidetracked, not here. Any moment out of focus was a wasted moment. He could think all he wanted tomorrow. He just needed to get to tomorrow, whenever that would come. It had to come eventually. It had to. 

“That’s why I’ll be going with Gon. Out of all of us that are going into the palace, she trusts him the most,” he said, looking over at the timer. “And besides, if she didn’t trust me, she wouldn’t have sent  _ me _ the message, right?”

“I’m surprised she didn’t send it to Knov,” said Knuckle. 

“The dude’s a hardass, he probably wouldn’t have believed it either way,” said Shoot under his breath. If the situation had been a bit more lighthearted, Killua could see everyone laughing at a little joke like that, but it was good to know that Knuckle and Shoot believed him enough to buy into his story and start theorizing about it. 

“That works. Just a quick detour, though. If Palm isn’t in her room, give Ikalgo the signal, and move immediately into position to subdue Pitou,” said Morel. 

“Okay.” 

But Gon’s response felt less like he was agreeing and more like he was conceding. It made Killua’s heart ache just looking at him, the pain he was in. Everything was just going to build up again to his inevitable demise, but not if he had anything to do with it. He could save Gon, he could prevent him from throwing everything away in one anger fueled decision. He had to. He had to do this for Gon, his dearest friend. Because what kind of friend was he anyways if he had the opportunity to fix everything and laid it to waste? How many more times would he be sent through the loop? Was it finite? Was this the last loop? Killua cursed his lack of understanding and knowledge about the situation. It didn’t matter. He had to fix it this time, because maybe there wouldn’t be a next time. 

Dragon dive hit the ground. Killua counted his steps like a life or death hopscotch. The same statue crumbled, a noteworthy reminder that unless he himself changed things, nothing would matter.

They made it through phase one, after Morel’s spoke plumed out from his pipe, it was time to make a break for it. Killua grabbed onto Gon’s hand, feeling the callused palm brush against his own. Gon lingered for a second before actually grabbing on. It felt calmingly different than the cold lifeless feelings he got the last few times he’d touched Gon. He wanted nothing more than to grab him into a hug and feel his heart beating through his chest, just to know that he was alive and okay. Gon would think he was so weird for doing that, though. 

But if Gon hugged him, it wouldn’t feel weird. Seriously, did nothing embarrass him? He could shamelessly be affectionate, and didn’t even care if he got weird looks from everyone around him. How could he be so full of life all the time, when expressing stuff like that made Killua feel like he was shriveling up? It was as if Killua had an imaginary barrier keeping him from expressing things outright, but Gon had just  _ smashed _ through his own barrier. Maybe he’d break it one day. 

“This way,” said Killua, turning the two of them down a hallway before feeling Gon’s hand slip out of his grasps. He tightened his fist and brought it closer to his body. Gon was so close, yet he already felt him fading away. 

“Did Palm really reach out to you?” asked Gon. Killua felt his stomach do a flip. 

“Yeah.”

He could clear the details up later. He reminded himself that this time, there  _ would _ be a later. That’s right, if he fixed everything this round, he wouldn’t have to do it again. Perfect. 

“Why would she pick  _ you.” _

There was a hint of inquiry in Gon’s voice, but the emotion that felt the strongest was frustration. Whether or not it was because of the stress of the situation, jealousy that Palm reached out to  _ Killua _ instead of him, or just plain out confusion, Killua didn’t have time to analyse it now.

“I don’t know, maybe it was random,” Killua winced as his voice came out more like a snap rather than a response. It was counterproductive to the mission. He couldn’t be mad at Gon. 

No, that was a fucking lie. He was  _ furious with Gon. _

The initial shock of starting a new timeline again had worn off, and he could fully process what just happened in the previous one. His mind flashed back to Gon, crumpled on the side of the wall. How could Gon just throw his life away like that? And what was it for? Kite was nowhere to be seen. Why hadn’t Pitou healed Kite? Was it just taking too long? Was Gon just impatient? Gon wouldn’t do something like that for no reason. It must have been…

Pitou either wouldn’t, or  _ couldn’t _ heal Kite. 

A realization dawned on Killua. Depending on which option it was, there was a possibility of preventing Gon’s demise. If  _ he _ could force Pitou to heal Kite, everything would turn out okay, Gon wouldn’t snap, and they could all leave together. But there was something gnawing at Killua’s gut, something crucial that he shouldn’t have overlooked. If Pitou  _ couldn’t _ heal Kite, how was he going to break that to Gon? How could he be sure that they wouldn’t be lying to him, anyways? 

He would have to take care of Pitou, get some information out of them. And in order to do it most efficiently, he would have to keep Gon away, because well… Gon wasn’t in the best of moods right now. He was more likely to get in the way with the plan. It was kind of mean, but stashing him away on a sidequest was his best bet at this point, that way he could face Pitou rationally and level headed. Gon was, quite the opposite right now, a burning ball of rage. 

“Gon, can you deal with Palm for me?” asked Killua, in a rush. Gon scrunched up his face at the mere suggestion they split up. 

“No, I’m going with you-”

“Palm hates me, Gon,” snapped Killua. He didn’t have time for this. Gon looked at him, a bit puzzled. “If it wasn’t obvious before. Hate might be a strong word, but she’s definitely more fond of you than me, I don’t want to cause any issues.”

“Well, then where are you going?” asked Gon. “Why can’t we do this together and then you can go off?” Killua looked out of the way to avoid eye contact. It was easier to lie to him like this. 

“I’m going to go see if I can take out a few chimera ants in the area and set up my charging station,” said Killua, putting his hands behind his head as he started to walk. If he gave Gon no choice, he would  _ have _ to go and deal with Palm. “Besides, Ikalgo should be catching up now.”

“You’re just  _ leaving _ me? With Ikalgo?” Gon’s voice cracked. His eyebrows knit together in frustration, which Killua caught as he turned around. “You’re diverging from the plan, and I think that-”

“It’s literally  _ not _ about you right now, Palm was  _ fucking  _ turned into a Chimera Ant, okay? I’m just saying we do this more efficiently, stop being so  _ selfish!”  _

Killua felt the guilt churn inside of him as he realized that he was not only being hypocritical right now, but was effectively straining the bond between him and Gon. He was doing this whole thing for Gon right now, it  _ was _ about him. Did Gon really believe he cared about Palm that much? Raising his voice should have helped, but it wasn’t a foolproof solution.

“Stop telling me what to do, you don’t know everything,” said Gon, the hurt in his voice seeping through enough where Killua couldn’t ignore it this time. He looked away, eyes glossing up. He couldn’t tell Gon that he  _ did _ know a lot more than he was letting on, it just hurt more.

“I’ll see you in a bit,” said Killua softly, before taking off the other way. Ikalgo would catch up with him sooner or later, and the two of them could deal with Palm if she didn’t snap out of her phase soon enough. But then again, dealing with Palm in general took a great deal of patience he didn’t quite have right now. Hopefully he could get the information out of Pitou and convince them to agree to a one on four fight. 

Killua noticed Morel’s Smokey Jail on the third floor like it was, a marker of how much time had passed. It was still opaque enough he couldn’t see through. Good, that meant Pouf was still occupied. He made a beeline for the room where Pitou was likely healing Komugi. 

A wave of nausea crashed down upon him as he once again saw Komugi’s lifeless body tended by Doctor Blythe once again on the ground. No matter how many times the timeline reset, Komugi ended up injured nonetheless. He already expected that dragon dive fell the same way every time, but seeing it effect Komugi made his stomach churn. Was there really no way to prevent this in particular?

A dark thought nested its way into his mind. 

Right now, Pitou cared about two things: the safety of the King, and the safety of Komugi, who the King cared about. If he used either or as a bargaining chip, he could get Pitou to let the cat out of the bag about their hatsu. 

The time limit Gon set previous times was barely enough to heal Komugi. But perhaps if he threatened to outright kill Komugi…

It made sense, even if things went wrong. Between the two of them, Komugi could just have been “another casualty of Dragon Dive”, no one had to know that it was him who dealt the final blow. If between Gon and Komugi, one could die and one could live, it was selfish, but he’d rather Gon live. It was Komugi over Gon. Was it that simple? Could he trade?  _ Should _ he trade? 

These were the kinds of questions that, quite frankly, shouldn’t have come up in the first place, but due to the exorbitant amount of stress placed on his mind, Killua was starting to let it breach the surface of his subconscious. 

One life for another. 

Did that make him just as bad as Pitou?

Killua furthered his way into the room, holding his zetsu tightly. His breath began to get more erratic, and as soon as he laid eyes on Pitou, he felt his heart rate spike up. 

Killua entered the room slowly, keeping to the shadows as he held his zetsu close. The sight before him was reminiscent of before. Killua glanced over to the area where he had left Gon sitting the original time, almost perfectly picturing him there, before looking to the area where he’d found him battered on the wall. Pitou had  _ toyed _ with him, there was no way they couldn’t finish Gon off with that many bruises. No, they had taken their time. And it was so fucked up. How could they do something like that, the absolute monster they were! What the actual fuck was wrong with them? Why had they done that to Gon! He didn’t deserve it, no, no one deserved that. He felt the anger rising inside him as his eyes finally settled on Pitou, who had noticed his presence despite him employing zetsu. 

His thoughts filled with rage, mind planning all sorts of terrible things he could do to Pitou. He was a skilled assassin, and a trained fighter, he knew how to kill people in more ways than he had fingers and toes. Pitou was going down, and down hard. 

Killua took a deep breath. No, he couldn’t be considering….that. If he attacked Pitou now, he’d essentially be putting Komugi’s life in danger. If Pitou retracted Doctor Blythe, Komugi could die. 

But if he couldn’t defeat Pitou before Gon got to them, Gon would die. 

It was a circular argument, and there were too many variables tweaking through his thoughts, sending him on tangents. He could sit here and mull over his plan, figure out what the most moral option was, or he could flip his switch on and see the most efficient option. 

But the most efficient option scared him. He hadn’t flipped his assassin switch on since they were last with…. Kite. 

Killua mentally blocked that thought. No, he needed to stay focused, if he started getting sidetracked with Kite, his emotions would overwhelm him again. 

Pitou turned around.

Their red eyes seemed to bore holes in his soul, illuminated by the moonlight much like how a cat’s would. Creatures of the darkness. Right, Pitou was a creature. He shouldn’t feel bad if anything happened to them. 

But Ikalgo and Meleoron were technically creatures too, and he at least somewhat cared about them…. Now was  _ not _ the time for a moral debate.

It had been a while since he last felt those chills run down his body. Everything about Pitou’s aura screamed toxicity, right to the very essence of it. It maneuvered around his body in ways no other toxin could even compare to. It burned. 

Kite. 

He couldn’t keep the thought away. Everything about this situation screamed  _ Kite. _ Kite was the reason he was in this situation, and Kite was the end goal. He couldn’t just ignore him. He couldn’t do it.

Kite had been strong that night, barely even flinching when his entire arm was torn off in one foul swoop. If Kite could be strong in such a desperate situation, so could he. Killua gritted his teeth against every fibre in his body telling him to  _ run. _ But he couldn’t run. 

_ One day, you’re going to leave Gon to die. _

Gon wasn’t useless. He had the ability to fend for himself. It was a jab at Killua’s tendency to avoid fights just because he didn’t think he was going to win them. If he avoided every fight he didn’t know he could win, the more he went against ambiguous opponents the more fights he would avoid. But he absolutely couldn’t avoid this fight because Gon depended on him.

If he took down Pitou, Gon wouldn’t have to die. He could stop this preliminarily. There wasn’t such a thing as invincibility. Even his parents, as strong and trained as assassins as they were, had their weaknesses. Raw power was one thing, but battle strategy was another. 

Unfortunately for Killua, all that was on his mind was that Pitou  _ had to be absolutely demolished.  _ And he would do that with whatever means necessary. 

“Do you remember me? At all?” asked Killua, hiding his desperation with a hint of anger. Pitou’s arm lay out between him and Komugi, a futile barrier but more so a reminder not to interfere. Killua narrowed his eyes. The first time he laid eyes upon this scene, Pitou had been more reminiscent of a motherly figure watching over their young. But this was the same Pitou who had incapacitated Kite, the same Pitou that even after death had enough vitrolic nen left over to spring an attack against Gon. Pitou was a reminder that between the shades of black and white lay a gray area, where even monsters could have a heart. Was he closer to Pitou’s side? Was Gon? 

The intensity of Pitou’s eyes caught him off guard. They were still tense, but as Killua wasn’t in a fighting stance, perhaps it caused them to lower their guard just a bit.

“Depends, did you do anything noteworthy?” asked Pitou. It was slight, but Killua noticed the twitch in their eyes as they got a better view of the room. Killua quickly dropped zetsu to sense if there was anyone else in the room with them. This would be an awful time for Gon to randomly show up, or worse, if Pouf came to make his appearance. 

“It was the night you fought my friend, the friend you kept as a  _ puppet _ ,” said Killua. He needed to be careful with his words lest he give off any information that the ants didn’t already have which they could use against them. Pitou put a clawed finger up to their chin as they narrowed their eyes.

“Nyow I remember,” they said, musing the words through their smug grin. “He made such a good practice dummy-” Killua took a step forward reflexively, causing Pitou to throw their guard back up. Doctor Blythe was hard at work behind her, many devices sticking out of Komugi. Killua gritted his teeth. He couldn’t screw this up now. Komugi was their bargaining point in the first place, but just why hadn’t that worked? Kite wasn’t saved. Did Pitou refuse? Was the offer of harming Komugi worthless to them? 

“He’s more than that,” said Killua through gritted teeth. Damn it, he couldn’t lose his temper here. “He was a friend of mine. And not only that, he’s important to someone important to me!” Pitou flinched as Killua said this, the two of them coming to their own realizations but for completely different reasonings. That was the phrasing Pitou had used to describe Komugi in a different timeline. But of course Pitou hadn’t said that yet, it was just how they were thinking of Komugi. Perhaps he could use this to his advantage, to make Pitou sympathize with him if that were even possible. The idea of Pitou being an irredeemable monster, yet having humanity weren’t completely divorced in his mind, yet they seldom overlapped when he considered it, more like a seesaw of being terrible or normal. 

And what was he? What was Gon? The more Killua looked over at Komugi the more he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was some possibility that Gon could have actually  _ killed _ Komugi in the last timeline he was in. Was Gon a monster? Was he normal? No, he wasn’t a monster, he was just a kid pushed to the brink and he  _ snapped. _ Pitou took someone important from him and he didn’t know how to process it. But damn it, how could he force Gon to process it right? What was the correct outlet for this? Why was he so fucking worked up about something that he couldn’t fix! What kind of friend was he if he couldn’t even help his friend through the rough times he was having? Killua took a step closer into the room fully dropping his zetsu.

But likely Pouf would find Gon and Palm before he found Pitou. That raised a whole other set of concerns but Killua didn’t have time to work through that now. He needed to divert his attention closer to the task at hand. 

“Can you fix him?” asked Killua, calming his voice down a bit so Pitou wouldn’t take it as a threat. They looked over at Komugi, and then back at Killua. 

“I’m fixing Komugi, I don’t see why I couldn’t fix your friend,” said Pitou. Killua narrowed his eyes. The way Pitou spoke, there was less desperation and relief in there, there was a sense of urgency that he detected, but there was something about the way they said this that made him feel that they were telling a lie. Whether it was because they wouldn’t, or  _ couldn’t,  _ was the next question. He couldn’t make an apodictic decision unless he knew the ins and outs of Pitou’s ability, so anything from this point was mere speculation. 

This is the point where Gon had made Pitou wait an hour while they worked on Komugi. He didn’t have that kind of time. There was only so long Gon would be stalled with Palm before he would come looking for Pitou, and then everything would basically be the same again. 

There were so many decisions to make. He ran over a bunch of possibilities in his mind, but none of them were likely to get him the information or results he needed. He was banking on the idea that Pitou could heal Kite, but if they couldn’t, then simply getting rid of them would be the best course of action. Was Pitou truly as devoted to the king as they claimed to be? 

Killua decided to find out. 

He lept at Pitou, hands positioned to electrocute them in a similar way he had done to Youpi in the original timeline. Killua felt the adrenaline rushing through him as he got into position. 

If he made the stakes higher, Pitou would surely heal Kite if they could. If they couldn’t, well, that would just be more news for him. It was a gamble, but it was one he was willing to take. While Komugi’s injuries were critical, he could always whisk her away into Knov’s apartment complex and have him take care of her. 

Pitou dropping Dr. Blythe immediately was not something he expected to happen, almost catching him off guard. Their thighs swelled up larger than he had ever seen before Pitou lunged right into him, much like how a cat pounces on their prey. 

“You dropped it,” said Killua, crossing his arms in front of him as he got hit by one of Pitou’s legs right to the chest, sending him backwards. His feet skidded on the ground, keeping him from falling over and slowing him down enough that he didn’t get absolutely crushed into the wall. 

“I can’t heal Komugi if I’m unconscious, so of course I have  _ some _ self-preservation,” said Pitou, voice slowing down at the end of the sentence. Wait.

Something was very wrong. 

Killua knew that look, it was a single moment where someone realized they had fucked up. Eyes wide, the slight flinch, and the slightly agape mouth, all with a hint of frustration, confusion, and fear plaguing their face. But how exactly had Pitou fucked up?

Doctor Blythe started to summon, but suddenly, the hatsu disappeared. Killua noticed the aura around Pitou growing stronger. 

A similar expression to Pitou’s crossed his face.

Why wasn’t Pitou healing Komugi? He was supposed to use her as a bargaining chip, but Pitou forewent that. And with all of their aura back inside them, that meant he’d be facing Pitou at full power, and… 

Had he fucked up, or had Pitou?

“I’ll kill her if you don’t heal my friend,” blurted out Killua, really grasping for straws, using anything he could to bargain with her. Pitou didn’t flinch at all. 

“Hey!” shouted Killua. He tightened his fists. “I’m serious.”

“The rebound of your attack ruptured one of her organs, she’s bleeding out,” said Pitou, unable to make eye contact with Killua. “She needs a full organ transplant, and my organs aren’t suited for human use.”

Pitou smirked, eyeing Killua’s middle. Oh no. 

Another look that Killua had unfortunately seen, and was weirdly familiar with: the face of someone who was ready to harvest some organs. 

Was Pitou at fault for revealing part of their plan? He knew they were after his organs now, but they strategically left out which one it was so he couldn’t self-destruct. He’d have to play guess and check if he wanted to straight up render one useless. 

Maybe that’s what Pitou wanted him to do, poison himself, or harm himself somehow so he’d be easier to finish off. That was a last case scenario. He couldn’t defeat Pitou if he was bleeding out of a kidney. Bad idea, he shouldn’t even consider it. 

But that did mean Pitou would try to avoid blows to his middle in order to keep all of the organs intact. This was useful information. Killua smirked. It was a total blunder on their part. He knew where to look for attacks now, Pitou would predominantly go for the limbs or head. He could deal with that. 

Killua charged up, ready to use the wall behind him as a springboard to push him closer to Pitou. If he could grab them and immobilize them against the wall or ground, he could force some information out, maybe with a promise of harvesting the organs of whoever died for Komugi. 

Killua winced at the thought it was morbid, but he wasn’t exactly given much to work with.

And so he went at it. 

He got a few hits on Pitou, nothing enough to pin them down, but there were very  _ generous  _ scratches on their arms. His own body wasn’t doing the best either, having taken some scratches of his own. To an outsider, the fight would have been hard to follow; both of them were very agile, and practically bouncing off the walls, trying their best to avoid each other while still stealing blows when they could. It was an endurance game of sorts, or at least that’s how Killua saw it. Of the two of them, one of them would eventually get tired and slow down enough for the other one to take advantage of that. He had trained a lot recently for this, he knew how long he could last. But how long could Pitou? The Chimera Ants were strong, there was no denying that, but the royal guards were on a whole different level. 

All he had to do was outlast Pitou. That was it. One simple task, and he could force Pitou to heal Kite, Gon would be content, and the three of them could go home together and recover from the chaos. 

Maybe he would tell the two of them the story of his own nen vow afterwards, the one that kept him in a seemingly never ending loop of one night, keeping him coming back time after time to fix the mess. It was an interesting use of a nen vow, Kite would probably scold him for it, but perhaps he’d think it was really cool. Maybe this would be how he would finally fluster Gon. Killua thought about what Gon’s reaction would be if he knew all this that he was doing for him. It was a warm thought, one helping him keep his sanity. Everything could work out... 

As if. 

Killua froze. 

It was bound to happen, but his emotions got the better of him and the inevitability completely slipped his mind. The constant need for ‘just a bit longer, it’ll be over soon’ only applied to his endurance, never a limited function. It was easy to overlook; his nen itself was conductive, meaning he could store electricity if he desired. Because he had to charge up, there would always be a finite amount, no matter how much he pushed himself. Unless during battles he had a way to charge himself, that would always be his downfall. He could only use so much before he ran out. And just like that, he had exhausted every last bit of electricity stored in his nen. 

He had a whole new hand of cards he was playing with now. Of course, he still had his organs, and thus Pitou would keep aiming for his arms and legs, which were bleeding profusely right now. Pitou didn’t look too hot themself, but it was no longer an endurance game, he had the lower hand this time.

“Between you and me, I could never fix him,” said Pitou nonchalantly. Killua cringed. Pitou giving up such information could only mean one thing: they knew the fight was nearing a close. But he wasn’t going to give up that easily. No, he owed it to Gon, if he went down, he went down fighting. 

“What do you mean?”

“He’s already dead.”

His body wanted to move, was screaming to move, but Killua found himself paralyzed, weighted down by the shock that shouldn’t have caught him so off-guard. He didn’t want to believe the possibility so deeply that he’d rejected its existence, yet here it was, presented before him on the rusty executioner’s blade. 

“But, you’re controlling him-”

“I can’t bring him back to how he was,” said Pitou. “I never could. At least you tried.”

No. This couldn’t have been happening. 

This whole trip, the whole reason that they had to go after Pitou in the first place, was for Kite. It was to fix Kite. At least, that’s what it was for Gon. Back in the hotel room, Gon had been so enthusiastic after he woke up, like a light in an eclipsing darkness. Presented with the news that Kite had been left behind, presumed dead, he didn’t let that slow him down. He kept pushing forward. He needed to get stronger, to save Kite. Because Kite was a skilled hunter, there was no way Kite could be dead. He had to be out there, waiting for them, waiting in the hopes that they could save him, because they were the only ones who could do it. 

Killua was skeptical at first, but there was something about Gon that kept him pushing forward. It was something that Killua admired about him. He wished he had dreams and ideals to reach out for, but what was he even doing with his life at this point? Before striving to fix Kite, Gon was looking for Ging, who’d left clues behind on how to get to him. He wanted to be a hunter to see what it was like, and to learn more about why Ging had chosen to be a hunter over him. Why had Killua become a hunter? Because he wanted to see if the test was really as hard as anyone said it was? Why had he followed Gon out of that exam? Because he wanted to have a friend and see the world? Because he wanted to be a normal kid? Gon was so much more than a normal kid.

Killua looked over towards the door. He’d lost track of time, but that just meant Pouf could show up any second now if the timeline was progressing as expected. The door was likely not a safe point of evacuation. His attention made it to that of the window. Also not a great way to escape, as it was pretty high above the ground, and if he survived the fall, Pitou definitely could. 

Killua snapped out of it. 

What was he thinking! He couldn’t bail from this fight now, if he bailed from fights that he thought he’d lose constantly then one of these days, he’d leave Gon to die. Which is what he’d be doing if he couldn’t defeat Pitou right here. He had to push through it. He had to give it his best shot, because Pitou wasn’t invincible. They couldn’t be. No one was perfect like that, not even the King’s Guards. Because if they were, Netero wouldn’t have sent the two of them after Pitou. Netero didn’t just make mistakes like that. He'd paid close attention to Bisky’s descriptions of the old man, he seemed to know what he was talking about. He seemed to think highly of the two of them, enough so that he would send them on this mission. 

And there it was again, the thought that there may be something to this that just wasn’t sitting right with him. Was Gon really meant to be held up as much as Killua praised him to be? Or was he hiding in his shadow to mask his own insecurity about his abilities? Everyone recognized Gon as Ging’s son, he had something to live up to. Killua had something to live up to as well, but he’d tossed it away to go on his adventure. He wasn’t interested in being an assassin anymore. But that was the one legacy he had, without it, who was he? Gon’s friend? He wasn’t “Gon’s friend” any more than Gon was “Ging’s son”. He knew who Gon was, and Gon knew who he was, so was there any more towards it? 

“You’re lying,” croaked Killua, the last bits of hope breaking in his voice. Pitou’s expression softened and once again Killua was reminded of their hidden layers of compassion and understanding. Though it could be a trap to get him to lower his guard, he was out on his last limb anyways. 

He could always try an assassin technique to buy himself more time, but there was always the chance Pouf would show up instead of Gon, and was that really the play he was willing to gamble? Killua took a deep breath to slow his overwhelmed heart rate. He could calm himself down, he could pull this off. It was for Gon, and that’s all the motivation he needed in order to make this work. Pitou had been enduring his nen attacks, there was no telling how they’d cope against a different style of fighting all together.

Shadow step, a prime technique for assassination where he left copies of himself as he walked slowly in a circle. Pitou wouldn’t know which version was the real Killua until it was too late. It was a fairly straightforward technique, however, more popular against people who didn’t already have their guard up. Pitou wasn’t that old; hopefully they hadn’t seen any techniques similar and he could get a hit on them, or better yet, one-shot them. 

Killua watched as Pitou’s eyes scanned his copies, readied in action to pounce on whichever one broke the circle first. He had to do this quickly, otherwise he would lose his window of attack. Killua felt his heart rate speeding up once again, as Pitou’s attention focused against him. His eyes widened as he remembered a crucial fact: though these illusions mimicked the appearance of him, they lacked heart beats, and more importantly, nen. The moment he realized it was also the moment Pitou had realized it. 

Killua braced himself for impact, breaking out of the circle to jump towards Pitou. If they figured out his trick, he may as well try to get a hit in on them because he might not get the chance again for another minute or two.

It was too late; he couldn’t avoid their claws. 

This is exactly what Pitou had wanted, and he was playing right into their clutches. There wasn’t enough time for a realization of sorts. Was this how his victims felt when he assassinated them? Did they know what was coming for them? Did they see the sadistic look in his eyes as he ended their life swiftly and cleanly? Was this death? Was he experiencing death right now? 

The guillotine was said to be quick and painless, and while Pitou’s claws weren’t a guillotine, or even reminiscent of one, it was a clean swipe off, severing his head from his body. In hindsight, had his head still been attached, Killua would have screamed. The pain was unbearable, searing from his neck in every outward direction it could travel. Strangely enough, it was over before he could even process it, as if every ounce of pain from a normal fight had hit him all at once in one spot. 

Killua’s eyes slowly opened once he heard the sounds around him. His head was spinning, dizziness so bad he couldn’t focus on any one object in the room because everything was out of focus. He closed his eyes again and clutched at his neck, feeling around and everywhere for the possibility that somehow it was detached still. But he knew it couldn’t be. If he was back alive, that meant everything had reset itself and he was poised to go through another round of living hell for a semblance of hope that he could fix Gon’s fate. That’s right. He had to do this, he’d forced himself to do this for Gon, and if he failed now, what was it all for? Nothing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts if you're liking it so far :) I always appreciate feedback.


	4. Curse of the Vow

He woke up in that very spot again. And again. 

The definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results, and well, it wasn’t far off. Killua couldn’t even count the amount of times he met his fate at Pitou’s claws, trying — no,  _ hoping,  _ that this time, something would be different. Every time he restarted, he was fueled with the very same hatred and frustration, an overwhelming need for vengeance. And every time he laid his eyes on that demon, it was as if a part inside him possessed him to think of nothing other than striking them down where they stood. Running away from this fight would only prove Bisky right, that he was too weak-willed to fight if he wasn’t certain he could win. 

But was that the only reason he inflicted it upon himself? The sentiment began to change the moment he realized that rage and frustration might not have been the only reasons he kept going after Pitou.

Was death an appropriate penance for failure? Killua’s guilt was all he needed to realize that there was some truth in the matter. And it only served to make him feel worse about himself. Frustration was one thing, but it was at the point where this was blatant self sabotage. He  _ knew _ he couldn’t beat Pitou, so why continue to do it? Why force himself to endure it? Was it a fucked up sort of martyr complex? 

What would Gon think if he knew? 

Gon. 

Killua’s head started to spin as he felt sick to his stomach, a feeling he was not unfamiliar with at this point. He should be trying other things, not getting stuck on trying to make his conquest against Pitou work. 

But that was just it. He had tried things. And every time he messed up the timeline, things seemed to get worse and worse. What was the point of it all if nothing he could do mattered? Ikalgo. The two of them had gotten off to a rough start in that cave, but Killua was glad he’d saved him from plummeting to his death. He didn’t just gain an ally, he gained a friend. Knuckle was easy to judge like the cover of a book, but despite being hard on Gon when they fought, he taught the two of them valuable lessons, not to mention he was kind at heart. Shoot seemed intimidating to him but the more he got to know him the more he seemed personable, relatable. Even Palm had her moments, far and few between, but they were there.

Yet he discarded them multiple times in an attempt to save one life: Gon. 

Why keep himself trapped in this hellscape, none of it mattered anyways. Why even bother to try to change anything if changing made things worse. 

Killua found himself mimicking the motions he normally did: dodging dragon dive, running with Gon, making sure the two chimera ants after Ikalgo were decapitated before they could do anything to him. Everything felt brainless, and pointless. Such a drag. 

But as Gon stood next to him, overlooking the third floor where Meruem had his Smokey Jail, he spoke into existence the very words Killua was desperate not to hear. 

“Let’s go.”

The sound froze him in place, knowing that if he laid eyes on Pitou again, he’d have another one of his outbursts and go haywire. Gon had seen him fight in the past, even with turning his assassin switch on, but this was different. None of those other fights were personal. This one was. 

He couldn’t go with Gon, not if his life depended on it. 

“Gon, I’m…” what could he even say to him? He was sorry? For what, not going off and getting himself killed by Pitou for the eighth time in a row? It was pointless. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t take Pitou out. Leaving the room to find another charging port wouldn’t work because Pitou was just as fast, if not faster, than he was. Not to mention, the anger that pumped through his veins seemed to fire him up worse and worse every time he laid eyes on Pitou tending so carefully to Komugi. It was stupid; he knew what to expect every single time he walked into that room, but his emotions overcame him nonetheless. Such was the curse of his feelings. 

Gon looked up at him, a mixture of confusion and betrayal plaguing his eyes. Killua felt hollow inside. While Gon had become a literal husk of himself, Killua felt that emotionally, there was something  _ very _ wrong in his psyche right now. He didn’t need to finish his sentence for Gon to know he wasn’t continuing with their mission.

“Figures,” said Gon, eyes starting to water up. But he kept his gaze fixated right on Killua. At first, he wanted to look away, but Killua couldn’t bring himself to do that. If Gon was going to yell at him, he may as well get it over with. He was just  _ so _ tired. So tired of going over and over as nothing changed, in fact, oftentimes he made it worse. How many times had he been killed by Pitou? How many times had he found Gon’s lifeless body? How many times had he found the remnants of his friends scattered around, disrespected and brutalized?

“I just, I can’t…” Killua felt the tears starting to come, but that was the one thing that Gon could never see. Crying was his lowest point. It was an emotional vulnerability. He had to be strong for Gon, and if he couldn’t even do that, then what was he good for?

“Fine. I’ll do it myself. Just go, I don’t need you here.”

_ I don’t need you here. _

Gon didn’t need him; he never needed him. He was just there to be useful, and once he was no longer useful, he was useless.

Killua took off running. Gon would never understand how hard it was to witness his own death time and time again. Dealing with death once was hard enough on its own not to mention multiple deaths every few hours. But this was his fault he was in this stupid loop anyways, wasn’t it? All because he couldn’t just let Gon go. 

And what of it? What had Gon even done for him? Would Gon have done the same? If the roles were reversed, would Gon be stuck in a time loop right now doing everything in his power to get his best friend back because that’s how much he loved him? 

Killua wiped the tears on his sleeves, staining them a darker blue. He sat down in the hallway, back pressed up against the wall and let himself slink down into it.

How long had he been stuck in the loop without a break? He didn’t deserve a break, no, but despite the guilt inside him, he was going to take this one. There was too much to think about, too many thoughts crashing together in his mind. Everything seemed to be mixing together in the most unsatisfactory of ways. Gon was mad at him. But was he rightfully so? He was mad at Gon too, but was that justified? Did it even matter if everything was going to reset?  _ Was _ everything going to reset this time? 

It was only for a brief moment before Killua felt someone’s presence. He didn’t even bother taking up a fighting stance here. It didn’t matter, he’d just be reincarnated again at the beginning of the palace invasion. There wasn’t a way out, no matter how hard he tried. 

“Killua?”

He didn’t turn around. He didn’t want to. 

“Pst, Killua!” The voice was louder now, and more obnoxious, reminding Killua once more that there were still people who existed in this loop other than himself. Killua slowly turned around, to see Meleoron peering around the corner. 

“What do you want,” said Killua, a little bit more than irked that Meleoron had interrupted his train of thought. Meleoron winced at the bitterness in Killua’s voice. 

“I… You….” He started to say, before looking both directions to join Killua in his sad spot. “Where’s Gon?”

“I could ask you the same question. Where’s Knuckle?” asked Killua. Meleoron tapped his fingers together, looking down at his hands as he sat next to Killua, a bit distracted. 

“I barely managed to make it out on my own,” said Meleoron. “I didn’t think I’d be able to escape, and now… I left him for  _ dead, _ Killua. I left him to save myself.”

There was an all too familiar anguish in his voice, one that tended to plague people who made selfish decisions, who still had a high level of empathy. 

“If you can’t fix it now, don’t bother,” said Killua through gritted teeth. “It’s not worth it. Just accept it and move on.” Meleoron’s bottom lip quivered a second. 

“I’m so frustrated. We had a job to do. I could have made myself useful, done  _ something,  _ but I failed,” said Meleoron. 

“Yeah,” Killua said through gritted teeth. Especially right now, he was just leaving Gon alone to die. He’d abandoned him, left him behind, just…. Given up. 

Meleoron put a hand on Killua’s back, and it was then that he realized he was choking up trying to hold his tears back. 

“Gon?”

Killua didn’t speak at first, merely nodding. But a few seconds was all he needed. 

“I can’t beat Pitou,” he said, balling up his fists, his nails starting to dig into the flesh of his palms. “I’ve tried everything. There isn’t a single thing I can do that lets me have the advantage I need to win. It’s futile. It’s useless.  _ I’m  _ useless.”

“Killua, you don’t need to beat Pitou,” said Meleoron. Killua snapped his head up to look him in the eyes. “Or at least, you don’t need to do it alone. Netero decided that you and Gon would go in a pair. So, why aren’t you with him? I’m sure that together the two of you could defeat them.”

“No, Gon isn’t mentally stable enough to fight Pitou, not in his condition,” said Killua. Meleoron winced. 

“Neither are you.”

_ “What?” _

“I’ll get a lot of flack for saying this, but despite your abilities, you’re both still kids. You’re fourteen, Killua. You shouldn’t have to risk your life in a war you didn’t ask to be part of,” said Meleoron. “It’s rough on all of us, but neither of you had the emotional maturity for it.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“ _ I _ don’t have the emotional maturity for it.”

Meleoron looked up at him, bulging eyes seeming strangely comforting. 

“Whatever happens, don’t blame yourself for it. Things happen when we’re all under pressure, and I know I need to practice what I preach, but you’re still just a kid, you have your whole life ahead of you, you shouldn’t have had to be traumatized like this,” said Meleoron. Killua sighed. 

“I shouldn’t get a pass just because I’m a kid,” he said, bitterly. “I’m the only one who can help Gon, and I even failed at that.”

“I think you’re putting too much pressure on what you can do for Gon. Friendship works two ways, Killua,” said Meleoron. 

“I don’t deserve to be his friend,” said Killua, biting his lip to keep away the tears. “I thought… I thought I was helping him because I was his friend, and that’s what friends do, but I think… I think I’m being selfish.

“Slow down, slow down,” said Meleoron, giving him a little pat on the back. “You’ve spent so much time focusing on taking care of Gon that you’ve forgotten to take care of Killua.” Killua grimaced at the use of third person like this, but couldn’t help feel a bit comforted by it. As much as he hated to think about it, Meleoron was right. He put too much pressure on himself to save Gon. And by focusing on Gon’s needs, he’d pushed aside his own. 

“I know he means a lot to you, Killua,” said Meleoron. “But I can tell you mean a lot to him, too. I’m sure if the roles were flipped, he’d be the same way.” Killua’s eyes widened. Meleoron was right. When he had left for home unannounced after the hunter exam, Gon had risked everything to come visit him, with no prompt or anything. He thought he was never going to see him again. He thought his travels as a hunter were over. But Gon had shown him that he wasn’t in this world only connected to his family, there were other people out there who existed and cared about him. 

Killua took a deep breath. That’s right. He could fix this. And he didn’t have to do it alone. All was not lost. That was the curse of the vow, wasn’t it? He could do this as many damn times as he needed until he got a result he was satisfied with. 

He gave Meleoron a sympathetic glance. After the loop reset, they’d never have this conversation again. But it’d stay with him regardless. As long as he remembered, it still existed. 

Next time, he would save Gon. He had to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, one chapter left :)))
> 
> As always, let me know your thoughts!


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